Season 1, Episode 3: “Your Inner Teenage Lesbian Ultimate Fantasy: CAROL”
Singers: Who’s walking down the street on her beat? Who’s volunteering because she’s so sweet? Doris Anderson, she’s the lezzie lady that you all want to meet. She’s sexy, she’s sapphic, she’s Doris Anderson, and she’s in heat.
Doris: I’m Doris Anderson and you’re listening to In Heat. A community service podcast for self-identified lesbians and anyone else out there who wants to support lesbian content. GBTQAI allies welcome.
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Doris: [00:00:44] Remember all the dumb things you used to do – like when you were a teenager or in your 20’s or 30’s? All those really, dumb, socially awkward things. Some of those things were SO embarrassing that you can barely admit to yourself you actually did them. In fact, should you be lucky enough to be in therapy, you wouldn’t EVER mention them to a therapist.
But it’s really not our fault that we’ve made so many misguided mistakes. Many of us grew up in a homophobic family and didn’t even get to learn how to date until decades after high school graduation.
And for us gals over the age of 50, it was really hard! We didn’t have any internet to search for someone who was just like us. We just had those spooky women-seeking-women personals – found in the back of questionable publications - and then, you had to make a phone call and leave your number and a cleaver message, hoping you were responding to a real lesbian and not a serial killer.
It’s horrible not to have some kind of sapphic role model! It’s horrible to grow up in a vacuum and not know ANY queer people!
Don’t you wish, when some kind-hearted person saw you struggling, and suggested you go to the Gay and Lesbian Center, you didn’t have to ask them, “What Gay and Lesbian Center?”
And, you had to go there the very first time all by yourself. Pretending like you weren’t gay. You were just there to check out the flyers and see if there were any upcoming “lectures of interest”.
If you had some kind of confident, older, lesbian friend, you probably would have never gone to that coming out group – that sad, sad coming out group for lesbians, where everyone sat in a circle in a hot room all summer – all summer and no one saying anything about being a lesbian – they just looked traumatized and talked about what a horrible week they had at work and how there were copy machine issues and bosses being mean. And you couldn’t tell if all those women were depressed because they were closeted lesbians, or whether they had really horrible jobs, or both.
ALL summer in a circle.
No air conditioning.
But if you had met Carol, you wouldn’t have had to go through any of that.
If you had met Carol, you could have just disappeared into the night with her – and when the sun came up, no one would look twice because she was so much older, everyone thought you were mother and daughter!
If you had met Carol, you’d be having a soft boiled egg for breakfast! Cocktails for lunch and dinner! And sex so discreet, you would barely even notice!
And no one would believe you sat in that room all summer looking at all those depressed women knowing there wasn’t a chance in hell you were going to get a date out of any of them.
If you had met Carol, you wouldn’t even have time to think about dating anyone! Carol would be constantly wining and dining you, not to mention taking you on all those shopping sprees to the department stores!
The Carol I’m talking about is of course the character Carol, from the 2015 film titled “Carol” staring Cate Blanchette.
I’m sure you’ve all seen “Carol”. But if not, set in New York City in 1952, it’s a story about Carol, a closeted lesbian, who is closeted in the most classy way: She has a husband who makes a lot of money, she has gorgeous dresses that can be worn both to an afternoon lunch and then again in the evening for a black tie event, she has a young child that she seems to love. And on top of all that, Carol picks up Therese, a young gal half her age, and they fall in love!
[00:04:53] I want everyone to close their eyes, and without being JEALOUS of Therese, pretend you ARE Therese! Imaging standing on a street corner with your little overnight case, waiting for Carol to pick you up for a road trip!
Imagine the laughter! The good times! The conversations! And on the days Carol wasn’t watching her weight, you’d be eating waffles with her. Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries!! And Carol would pick up the tab!
And you would be learning about romantic intimacy with Carol – instead of what really happened to you -- standing around a gay bar, loosing each and every game of pool. But did you care if you won or not? No. Because you were really there to meet experienced lesbians, which was not gonna happen. Why? Because you were at Whip-It, the local men’s leather bar.
But if you had met Carol, you would be having the time of your life. And, she could teach you how to actually be a lesbian, while pretending you were not a lesbian, in the most stylish way possible!!
That Carol. That sexy, cigarette smoking lesbian who was wise in so many ways. She’d been around the block so many times, that she clearly knew exactly what to do.
[00:06:23} Carol knew.
She knew all the tricks.
She knew how to marry a rich man.
She knew which cocktail to order.
She knew which handbag to carry.
And most of all, she knew how to get a sweet young thing into her bed. Carol knew.
She knew how to drive a car, which, came in handy.
She knew how to flirt at a restaurant – which helped her pick up chicks.
She knew which cashmere sweater to wear – to turn women on.
She knew just about anyone will stay with you in a hotel overnight if you offer to buy them breakfast in the morning.
Oh, and did I mention, she knew how to drive a car in bad weather? That’s a very attractive thing to know.
She knew how to bat her eyes, she knew how to show a little leg, she knew how to introduce her “friend” she brought with her to the party.
What else did Carol know? Well, there are some non-sexy things, but worth an honorable mention:
She knew how to balance a check book. She knew how to cook a pot roast. And I’m pretty sure she knew how to change a diaper.
Some of you listeners out there may be wondering if this movie is based on a true story. This may be hard to believe, but yes.
The screenplay of “Carol” is based on the novel, “The Price of Salt” which was written by Patricia Highsmith and published in 1952.
Patricia was quite a gal and once said, “I like most men better than I like women, but not in bed.” Need I say more? If you look up Patricia Highsmith up, you’ll see she had a variety of torrid affairs with a potpourri of people.
And that’s how we ended up with the beautiful movie “Carol” directed by Todd Haynes. From the looks of it, Todd Haynes seems like a very talented and sensitive man. And when I watch “Carol” I feel like Todd cares about fulfilling my authentic lesbian ultimate fantasy.
In contrast to “Carol”, there is another filmmaker out there, Ryan Murphy, who has in some respects, shown us the flip side of Carol. Ryan is the gentleman behind the Netflix series “Ratched” – And I’m guessing he could care less about anyone’s fantasy, but his own.
“Ratched” takes place in northern California in 1947, and it is the imagined backstory of the character Mildred Ratched, who was the infamous Nurse Ratched from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest”.
Steeped in a looney bin noir aesthetic, we see this story reveal that Mildred is an extremely repressed lesbian. And we see Mildred punish and shame people for their homosexuality. We see Mildred punish and shame herself for having homosexual thoughts. We see Mildred punish and shame just about anyone, she can get within 10-feet of.
By the way, for all you observant viewers, you may have noticed that Sarah Paulson is also in “Carol” and plays Abby, Carols ex-lover. No one plays nice and nasty like that Sarah. Ooo La La.
But the most important thing about “Ratched” I would like to call to your attention to, is that it’s a cautionary tale. Because Mildred Ratched is the “bad boy” of the lesbian world.
If you don’t believe me, close your eyes and pretend like you are standing on the street corner with your little overnight case, and Carol and Mildred both stop to pick you up. Who would you get in the car with?
If you get in the car with Carol, she will have the radio on, she’ll talk to you, and give you lingering seductive glances.
If you get in the car with Mildred, she will break off the knob to the radio so you can’t turn it on, keep her eyes on the road the whole time, and drive in silence.
If you get in the car with Carol, she’ll treat you to a lovely diner starting off with shrimp cocktail and martinis.
If you get in the car with Mildred, she won’t even stop at a roadside dinner, you’ll be lucky if you get a stale little Debbie cake from the Texaco station.
Do you get the picture?
Never get in a car with Mildred Ratched.
Never, ever get into a car with Mildred Ratched.
And now, a word from our sponsor – which is not Blue Apron by the way.
Blue Apron, you’re not the only meal delivery service out there. There are plenty of other companies – some of which highlight the fact that they have gluten free menus, such as Freshly. This may not be wildly known, but many lesbians and their G/B/T/Q/A/I allies are gluten free. Freshly, can you image how your sales might soar with all of those wheat sensitive, gender non-conforming folks who would love a healthy, easy to prepare meal, delivered right to their door? And the population of just lesbians who have celiac disease is quite substantial!
Think about it.
Well, that has been a word from a couple, of our, not-sponsors.
[Instrumental theme music swells in and fades out.]
[00:11:53] Welcome back to our program.
We were just talking about how difficult life has been for lesbians due to the lack of role models during our formative years. Especially us gals over the age of 50.
Well, as luck would have it, two men have illustrated for us the traits of someone who is available and wants to have a healthy relationship, and, someone who is strangely attractive despite the fact they are unavailable and toxic.
Some of us, of all ages, are still struggling with the question, “Do I deserve a Carol or a Mildred?”
Let’s take a little test.
Answer yes or no to the following questions:
Do you think Carol is “too nice”? Yes or no.
Do you think the sparks with Carol would fizzle out after a couple of rolls in the hay? Yes or no.
Do you think it’s boring that Carol can bake a sponge cake? Yes or no.
Do you think she’s trying too hard to be butch when she lights your cigarette for you? Yes or no.
Do you think she’s too much like your mom because she remembers your birthday? Yes or no.
And finally, do you think Carol is desperate and clingy because she’s always happy to see you? Yes or no.
Ok – it you who answered no to ALL the questions, you are on the right track!
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you are cruisin’ for a bruisin’. And there’s somebody out there just waiting to give you a bruising like you’ve never been bruised before – and that is “Mildred Ratched”.
Mildred “You’re the crazy one, not me” Ratched.
Mildred “I will ignore you at a party till your heart shrinks to the size of a popcorn kernel” Ratched.
Mildred “I will drown a bag of kittens right before your very eyes and then afterword’s say, ‘I don’t know what came over me – baby, I’m sorry, baby, I need you, baby it will never happen again, baby’” Ratched.
And yes, I know, sometimes it’s very hard to tell the difference between Carol and Mildred.
Both of them have impeccable make-up and are never without their lipstick. Both of them have an hour glass figure. Both of them wear hats like proper ladies. Both of them are color coordinated with any background they’re standing against. And, it’s hard to tell their cars apart, even though Carol drives a 4-door and Mildred drives a 2-door.
Let’s say you go on a first date with Mildred. Here are some red flags you can look for:
A glassy stare in her eyes.
She lies about having a wooden leg.
She mentions she doesn’t like animals.
She says right off the top that she wants YOU to do HER laundry.
And I know, I know, sometimes you have to have a second date to really get to know a person, but God forbid you actually get into a relationship with them – look – you need to cut and run if you ever break your leg, and rather than taking you to the ER, they throw a can of Ajax at you and say, “Figure it out.”
One way to verify if you are with a genuine Carol is she’s the kind of person who would NEVER EVER leave the last tiny bit of toilet paper for you – she has her toilet paper completely stocked and if worse comes to worse she would at least leave a box of Kleenex for you to use.
But Mildred? Mildred – she is so hateful that if the roll was low, she wouldn’t even leave a tiny bit of toilet paper – in fact, she wouldn’t even leave the cardboard toilet paper tube. The ONLY thing she would leave you would be a small handheld blow torch with a note on it that says, “For lighting your farts.”
The truth hurts, just like it will hurt when Mildred Ratched slams your hand in the car door.
You know what movie I want to see? I want to see a movie with Carol and Mildred getting trapped together a gynecologist’s waiting room. Just kidding.
What I would really be interested in is Todd Haynes telling a contemporary story about lesbians who are slumming it in NYC.
Todd, let me pitch you a couple of scenes:
One really lonely lesbian meets another, less lonely lesbian at a used bookstore. They get to chatting and the really lonely lesbian goes out on a limb and invites the other lesbian back to her apartment for tea.
Let’s call the lesbians Pam and Suz. Pam is wearing on old T-shirt that has a few moth eaten holes in it. Suz is wearing patchouli.
Pam brings Suz back to her apartment. When to door opens, the camera sees a shockingly small studio apartment - well, it’s not even a full studio – it’s the walk-in closet from another apartment that the landlord walled off.
The camera pans the room. Pam is so poor that we see she has gathered a collection of milk crates from the street – THAT HAVE BEEN WASHED AND SANITIZED OF COURSE – these milk crates are being used as bookshelves, as chairs, just name it – see, this reveals how industrious Pam is.
Pam invites Suz to have a seat on one of the milk crates and then introduces her to the cats. Two of which belong to Pam, and two she is fostering.
The camera sees Suz notice a milk crate turned on its side, with a litter box in it. One of the cats gets in the litter box to use it. Pam is a little embarrassed and says, “Oh, you know, pets.” And then she proceeds to put a tea kettle of water on the hotplate, which is sitting on the side of the milk crate 12 inches above the litter box. It’s very clear that Pam can make the most out of small spaces.
And as Pam is preparing the tea, Suz says, “This is cozy. I bet it’s really cozy in here for you and all your cats. Especially in the winter.”
And that is when we see a close up of Pam’s face – because Pam knows that the word “cozy” is a backhanded compliment – which really mean, shithole. This is a shithole you and your cats live in.
And the camera lingers on Pam face, and we see how desperately lonely she is. And we see her realize she is not going to get Suz into her single sized futon tonight.
Now that’s a movie I want to see on the silver screen! If anyone out there can put me in touch with Todd Haynes, please do!
But I digress. The last thing I want to leave you with today is a question: Are you ready to let a Carol into your life? Or do you need a few more go arounds with a Mildred to learn yourself worth?
[00:19:25] And this brings us to the end out or program and our Pet of the Week.
Gals, while I’m looking my pet of the flyer…
I want to let you know I’m old enough to be a Carol and I’ve very available...
I’m not making any promises about expensive dinners…
But I do have a driver’s license… and I have some in-store credit at Macy’s… and …
I’m even practicing smoking.
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The Pet of the Week is brought to you by the Alphabet City Cat Rescue & Shelter where we’re always looking for volunteers to help our furry friends.
We have an urgent mercy placing on our hands. This gal, Annette, has been in unsuccessful relationships for years – clearly, she just couldn’t get enough of Mildred. But she finally pulled herself together and met a very nice Carol! Well, the Carol is terribly allergic to cats and is a week away of moving in with Annette. We all need to rally behind Annette and get her cat a new home ASAP. So I’m putting the word out there!
Brycen is a 5-year-old, large, male Maine Coon cat who weighs 15 pounds! He has beautiful orange eyes and an orange’ish, brown and black coat. He has never been outdoors, so he is perfect for apartment living.
He is up to date on all his shots, is neutered and extremely loyal. And when guests come to visit, he is only known to poop inside men’s shoes. This can be is easily avoided by asking male humans who come into your home to leave their shoes on.
As a bonus, Brycen will come to you with a 7-pound bag of Science Diet Cat Food.
Interested parties should get in touch with me, Doris Anderson at Doris@In-Heat.com. That’s Doris, the @ sign, In, the dash sign, heat, dot com. And I will connect you with the Alphabet City Cat Rescue and Shelter.
I have so many special favors to ask. Please support lesbian content by following and/or subscribing to this podcast. Give us some stars, or leave us a little review. You can also “LIKE” us on Facebook, or pay a visit to our website, www In dash Heat dot com – that’s where you can read a complimentary blog post the accompanies today’s show.
That’s all for today folks! I’m your host, Doris Anderson, and you’ve been listening to IN HEAT.
[Instrumental theme music crescendos and vocalists sing]
Singers: She’s sexy, she’s sapphic, she Doris Anderson, and she’s in heat!
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