Season 1, Episode 1: "The Top Five Perverted Lesbian Films of All Time"
[Instrumental theme music with vocals begins]
Singers: Who’s walking down the street on her beat? Who’s volunteering because she’s so sweet? Doris Anderson, she’s the lezzie lady that you all want to meet. She’s sexy, she’s sapphic, she’s Doris Anderson, and she’s in heat.
Doris: I’m Doris Anderson and you’re listening to In Heat. A community service podcast for self-identified lesbians and anyone else out there who wants to support lesbian content. GBTQAI allies welcome.
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Doris: [00:00:52] For anyone out there over the age of 40, you might identify with this: Don’t you just miss those days when being a lesbian was really, really, dirty? Like really dirty! And shameful. Like so shameful you wanted to crawl into a hole and die because it was so horrible being a lesbian.
Nowadays, even though we're faced with many LGBTQ discriminatory issues - and there’s still hate crimes and murders, especially of trans folks - being a lesbian post Ellen DeGeneres’s coming out, just doesn’t have the sting it did pre-1995.
I kind of miss being closeted. I kind of miss looking back over my shoulder to make sure no one saw what I did. I kind of miss how awkward it was to go to family weddings and sit at a banquet table, alone during the wedding reception.
All alone like an oddball. 40-years old and all alone - while all around you are your cousins and second cousins—with their spouses and children in their heterosexual bliss, while you sit there feeling like a pervert.
Like so perverted you don’t want to talk to the bride for too long - because you might pin her in a corner going on, and on, and on about your job. Nervously. Nervously babbling so she doesn’t have a chance to get a word in edgewise to ask you if you’re seeing anyone. And you don’t have to stop yourself from saying, you wish you were seeing her.
You know, didn’t you hate when your uncles and aunts would ask, “So, when ya getting hitched?” And you’d have to laugh and say, “Oh, I don’t have time for boys, I have a full-time job,” when you had nothing of the sort. You couldn’t even get a job. So, you spent your time volunteering in a soup kitchen wondering: are any of the poor women I’m dishing up food for odd girls like me?
And the best thing that could possibly happen to you was having to wash dishes with Sister Mary Margaret and hoped she’d bump into you with her huge matronly boobs when she had to reach around you for a dish towel.
Those were the days, when you had to get your rocks off on Sister Mary Margaret’s bosom. Or worse, her phantom bosom - her phantom bosom because she usually called in sick and then you had to just IMAGINE her GIANT KNOCKERS banging against you.
I guess memories make the heart grow fonder.
[00:03:40] And now a word from our sponsor.
[Pause]
We don’t have a sponsor, but times have changed, and Blue Apron could be our sponsor. They could easily run a whole spot about the queerest family in the world enjoying Blue Apron.
For example, their ad might be about a family of three female identifying folks who all live together in a polyamorous relationship, enjoying Blue Apron.
You could have all that going on and Blue Apron could still maintain their image while expanding their customer base.
Well, that’s been a word from our not-sponsor.
And now, back to our program.
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Doris: [00:04:27] Welcome back to our program!
OK, we were just talking about the old days, when most Sapphic sisters hated themselves for being a lesbian. Which brings us to the feature of today’s show.
My list of the top five, perverted, amoral, lesbian films of all time.
No, we’re NOT gonna talk about the movie “Carol”, where Carol has plenty of money, lots of glamorous outfits and cocktails for lunch every day.
No, we’re not gonna talk about “Bound”, where the two women happily ride off into the sunset with the most eye make-up you’ve ever seen on any lesbian.
No, we’re not gonna talk about “The Kids Are Alright” starring Julianne Moore and Annette Bening, where even though some tragic things happen in the story, they have so much white privilege going on for them that really, how bad could it ever get?
We ARE gonna talk about movies where it was so gross and awful and perverted to be a lesbian, that one of these films is even in black and white!
But first, let me give a shout out to a couple of notable lesbian films, that the only reason they got cut from this list is because - well - they had a slightly hopeful ending.
Like “The Handmaiden”. This is a stunning South Korean psychological thriller where a Japanese heiress, gets kinky like you would not believe, with her handmaiden. The movie has a series of riveting and harrowing twists and turns. But, dag gone it, it’s a little too uplifting at the end.
And then there is the astounding Indo-Canadian film “Fire”, directed by the very talented, and might I say quite good looking, Deepa Mehta. She sure knows how to layout a tragic story. My God, faces are slapped, husbands are mad as hornets, and punishment fit for breaking taboos is expertly administered.
But alas, there is still a teensy bit of hope at the end.
So, I’m moving on to my top five list and even though all my listeners have no doubt already seen these films multiple times, I’m announcing a spoiler alert. Again, spoiler alert, folks.
[00:06:57] Let’s get started!
The number five movie is that 1961 nasty & naughty, black and white film “The Children’s Hour”.
Originally conceived and written as a stage play by Lillian Hellman. “The Children’s Hour” stars Audrey Hepburn and Shirley MacLaine, who I might say appear to both be wearing very good bras in the movie.
These two women play the lead characters who are teachers, who’ve opened a boarding school for girls. And the film commences with multiple prolonged, tension filled, scenes of the two women alone in a room together. And the buildup is so incredible you’re on pins and needles for the majority of the movie and NOTHING REMOTELY SEXUAL HAPPENS.
Until one day, one of the students, a little girl, a mean little girl, who has some sociopathic tendencies, accuses the teachers of being lesbians.
Let’s take a listen.
[Audio clip from "The Children's Hour" of dialogue begins]
Mean Little Girl: I saw plenty of things.
Shirley MacLaine: What?
Mean Little Girl: One night they were in Miss Dobie’s late room and I looked through the keyhole and they were - kissing - and - like what I told you.
Shirley MacLaine: Ask her how she could see us again.
Mean Little Girl: I - I was leaning down by the keyhole.
Shirley MacLaine: There’s no keyhole on my door. THERE IS NO KEYHOLE ON MY DOOR!
[Audio clip ends]
Doris: There may not be a keyhole on her door, but there is a latent, secret, black hole in Shirley MacLaine’s heart. Because, later she proclaims, “I feel so damn sick and dirty, I can’t stand it anymore!”
And by the end of the movie, she hangs herself. And folks, this is at the very end of the movie, so you have to sit through the entire thing, and never get to see any action.
Now that’s what I call depraved.
[00:08:58] Next, in the number four position is the 1968 movie “The Killing of Sister George”.
This is based on a stage play noted for its black comedy – the comedy part being questionable. The movie is also a comedy, which is even less funny than the not-funny play.
You know, I hate to say this, but the movie was written and directed by all men. Men who didn’t seem to be in touch with - well - lesbians.
They were however, in touch with some great actresses! The movie stars Beryl Reid, Susannah York and Coral Browne!
And get this, the movie was X-rated when it was released in the United States. I think because there’s a scene, which you can see in the trailer on YouTube, of a very strange Single-Handed Boob-Massage Seduction. And what might even be stranger than the boob massage, is the thick, smoky, eye-shadow the women have on while a single boob, is being massaged, by a single hand.
But despite that oddity, the movie makes an excellent point:
[Audio clip from "The Killing of Sister George" of dialogue begins]
Susannah York: If you must know, it was a perfectly innocent lunch, with one of the girls who used to work in the office.
Beryl Reid: Oh! Is that so?
Susannah York: Yes, that’s so.
Beryl Reid: One of the girls…
Susannah York: Not all girls are raving bloody lesbians, you know.
[Audio clip ends]
Doris: It’s true. Not all girls are lesbians.
But if you ARE a lesbian - AND YOU WANT YOUR SKIN TO CRAWL - grab a bottle of whiskey and watch the boot-leg version of this film on YouTube.
P.S. If you can imagine, the movie ends tragically.
[00:10:48] Ok, in the number three spot is “Pariah”, written and directed by Dee Rees.
Pariah is a story about an African American teenage lesbian, embracing her butch identity. But, she has to desperately do it on the down-low, so she doesn’t get caught by her family.
Even though the movie is utterly heartbreaking, it does NOT end with a suicide. But it makes my top five list because there is a dramatic scene, and when you hear mom screaming when she finds out Alike is a queer, your soul will die.
Let’s take a listen.
[Audio clip from "Pariah" of dialogue begins]
Father: I talked to Alike and everything’s fine.
Mother: But did you ask her?
Father: No, because I don’t have to ask her.
Mother: You don’t want to face the facts…
Father: No dammit, that’s not true…
Mother: Your daughter is turning into a damn man right in front of your very eyes…
Father: No, take that back…
[Sound of glass breaking]
[Audio clip ends]
Doris: I mean - that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what the mother says.
Nothing can make you feel ashamed like a raging mother freaking out about your sexuality.
[00:11:58] Now, let’s kick it up a notch with movie number two, “Notes on a Scandal”, a psychological thriller starring Judy Dench and Cate Blanchett.
Set in England, Judy Dench plays a near-retirement teacher, and jealous lonely spinster, who tries to insidiously lure Cate Blanchett to be her, quote, “companion”.
Judy’s character embodies ALL my favorite depraved things: She’s a teacher who HATES children; She’s out rightly prudish; All of her female friends have dropped her and call her “too intense”; She’s had a restraining order placed on her for stalking - guess who? A woman. And, she is so far in the closet that she writes weird things in her diary.
Let’s listen to one of Judy’s deviant diary entries:
[Audio clip from "Notes on a Scandal" begins with the sound of water dripping in a bathtub, followed by foreboding music played by a cello, followed by a voiceover]
Judy: They know nothing. What it’s like to construct an entire weekend around a visit to the launderette. Or to be so chronically untouched that the accidental brush of a baskin doctor’s hand sends a jolt of longing, straight to your groin. Of this, Sheba and her like have no clue.
[Audio clip ends]
Doris: [sigh] As you might imagine by the end of the movie Judy’s character is still creeping around trying to pick up young, heterosexual, women.
Nothing’s better than a self-hating, lesbian predator, who will clearly die alone.
Ok! Drum roll, please!
[00:13:50] The number one, perverted, amoral, lesbian film of all time is: “Sister My Sister”.
Adapted from a play by Wendy Kesselman. The film is based on a true incident in France in 1933 where two sisters brutally murder their employer and her daughter.
Here’s the set-up: two sisters, played by Joely Richardson and Jodhi May, are maids for a wealthy woman and her daughter. And when I say maids, I mean they are practically slaves! Clearly a commentary on the social class system, these maids are worked to the bone! Scrubbing floors, hauling coal, cooking EVERY single meal for their “Madam” and her snooty daughter. And everything they do, has to be perfect, or they’ll get fired!
And that’s not the half of it - I don’t even have time to list all of their responsibilities. Well, just imagine a modern low-paying administrative job where you are responsible for everything. Well, that’s what it’s like for these two sisters, only worse.
And to top it all off, they have to live in a tiny attic and share a single sized bed. So, you can imagine the tension filled situation they're constantly in.
And Madam is always watching them, because she is paranoid they’re going to steal her stuff. In fact, at one point she is convinced that’s what’s happening. Let’s take a listen:
[Audio clip from "Sister My Sister begins with the sound of two women moaning, followed by a ticking clock, followed by Madam speaking]
Madam: Now I see… handmaid [gasp] the wool! You didn’t think it was from Dupas do you? Such an extravagance! Imagine if someone had seen!
Doris: Well, she doesn’t really see, because the maids aren’t stealing a thing. They’re in the kitchen banging the living daylights out of each other!
And they’re SISTERS! And it’s not like some Oedipus thing where they're getting it on one day and find out they’re sisters the next day. They KNOW they're sisters. And they have dirty, emotionally painful, sex!
And if you watch their agonizing, forbidden, sex scene, you will be so turned on, YOU’ll feel dirty!
And if that isn’t enough, the movie ends with a big, fat, juicy cherry on top, which is, these two incestuous maids kill Madam and her snooty daughter with their bare hands. And it is a messy kill. They pull their eyeballs out! They tear their limbs apart! Bones are shattered! Teeth and blood fly everywhere!
And if that doesn’t take the cake, I don’t know what does.
So, there you have it - my list of the top five perverted, amoral, lesbian films of all time!
You know, between “The Killing of Sister George”, “Notes on a Scandal”, and “Sister My Sister”, European lesbians are the sickest of the sickos.
Well, this brings us to the end of our program and our Pet of the Week!
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The Pet of the Week is brought to you by the Alphabet City Cat Rescue and Shelter where we’re always looking for volunteers to help our furry friends.
Though we’re a cat rescue, sometimes we take in a dog, bird or other non-feline creatures in need. And today, we have a dog!
Jasper is the cutest little 4-year-old male, neutered, Pomeranian that you’ll ever lay eyes on. And get ready to have your heart melt when he looks back at you because it will be love at first sight. Jasper is a people canine who is utterly loyal and will stick so close to you you’ll have to be careful not to trip over him! Especially going down the stairs! His previous owner, Ethel Jones of Long Beach, was in her autumn years when she took a spill and broke her hip. She never made it out of the hospital, but life goes on and Jasper is looking for someone to give him the love he deserves. Interested parties should get in touch with me. Doris Anderson at Doris at in heat dot come. That’s Doris, the at sign, in, the dash sign, heat dot com. And I will connect you with the Alphabet City Cat Rescue and Shelter.
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That’s all for today folks, but before I go, I’d like to thank my volunteers. I never in my life have been so flattered to have been given a personalized song for my show. Oh my. I’d like to thank a very progressive brother, Ernest Ebell. Bless his heart for arranging, recording and providing the vocal stylings for my theme music. My goodness, pay a visit to his website, Ernest Ebell dot com. We need all the lesbian allies we can get.
I’m your host, Doris Anderson. And you’ve been listening to In Heat. Please LIKE us on Facebook or pay a visit to our website, in dash heat dot com. And please, join us again for another episode of In Heat.
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Singers: She’s sexy, she’s sapphic, she Doris Anderson, and she’s in heat!
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